What Kind of World is This?

I can't keep trying.  It shouldn't mean this much, but it does.  I just need to know that I can do it.  Despite all my efforts, I haven't seen the reward yet.  I just need my shot.  I need my chance to show them that I can do it.  I KNOW I can.

Everything I try gives me just barely enough to get by.  No matter what I put into my friendships and other relationships, I feel like the people I care about don't care about me as much I care for them.  Sue me.  It's the way I am.  If they don't have to change, neither do I.  I don't think it's wrong to love someone too much.  Who cares what anyone says.

But still.  No matter how much I care for them, or what I sacrifice for them, they just don't seem to value me like I do them.  I'm not just saying in my relationship, but with everyone. 

I just want someone to want to be my friend instead of the other way around...

The Weepies - Somebody Loved

We are all...fractions of our wholes.

Humans naturally crave to share their life with someone.  It's ingrained into us.  We want to find someone that we can grow with, learn with, experience with.  Someone we can love.

This is because we aren't whole.  We are whole when we find our missing piece.  A long time ago, we were complete.  In this time of content, we had no purpose, so we spent our time ravaging the land and taunting the gods.  As punishment, or as a gift (however you view our current state), our souls, or whatever manifestation you wish to use, were split in two.  This gave us purpose.  The need, the drive, the desire all came flowing into us.  There was nothing but the search for the other half.  This search has been passed down.  When our parents gave birth to us, we were born with this vacancy.  We find comfort in our parents because our soul was formed from the mixing of theirs.  Eventually, we realize that there is someone out there who completes the picture.

When we find that person, regardless of gender or sexuality, we want nothing more than to be near them.  An ultimate wish would be for the two to melt into each other and and become one entity.  To share a life and a death with this person would be the greatest gift anyone could receive.

Isn't that what we all want?  Love is the power the drives this search.  It's the source of the connection between the two lost halves.  It makes up the fiber of the strings that are pulling us all together.

I want this...more than anything.  Who knows if I'm on my way or not.  But I want it more than life itself.

more than cake.

I love you

I walked by Gunther like 5 times the other day and every time, I saw something scary.

Small children were coming out the side door crying.  LOUD.  Every time I walked by, that happened.  I dun get it.  I think they might be doing experiments on the children of Greeley in there.  Someone save the chitlens!

I feel a lot like Peter Petrelli.  No, I don't think I have super powers.  Sometimes it's like I absorb the energies around me.  Super empathy you might say.   I feel empathetic all the time.

I think I've realized something about myself.  I have always fed off the energy of the people in a room.  It's the reason I'm no good at parties with a lot of people.  I start taking on their energy, their excitement.  The more people, the more energy.  It's really hard for me to control sometimes.  It hurt me a lot in middle school, but I started to get it under control in high school, until I made more friends.  I had to learn how to cope with more people.  I wasn't used to situations with more than five or so people my age.

And coming here has been just like that.  Every feeling you guys have, I feel.  I hurt when you're hurting.  I get giddy when you do.  In a huge way, I need you guys to have an identity.  I feel so weak and defenseless when I'm alone, cause I can't tap into your strength.  It's especially hard when I've been going one on one with you.  If I fight with you, who do I have?

I apologize for the way I might have acted in front of large groups of your friends.  I just need to ease my way into it.  If I just leap into a big thing like that party, I'll go berserk.  But also, don't cut me off.  I need you.  I'll say it.  I was walking around to classes today, and I just realized.  I was so confused as to why I was so drained and plain not personable.  Cause I've felt cut off from you, I have lost my power source: (It's dumb but not to me) my friendships.

Go to sleep, may your sweet dreams come true.
Just lay back in my arms for one more night.
I've this crazy old notion that calls me sometimes
saying this one's the love of our lives.

Cause I know a love that will never grow old
and I know a love that will never grow old

When you wake up the world may have changed,
but trust in me, I'll never falter or fail.
Just the smile in your eyes, it can light up the night,
and your laughter's like wind in my sails.

Lean on me let our hearts beat in time,
feel strength from the hands that have held you so long.
Who cares where we go on this rutted old road,
in a world that may say that we're wrong?

Cause I know a love that will never grow old.

    It's really bad that college students have to work so hard in order to better their future and ensure themselves a good career.  I mean, not only am I paying $20,000 a semester to be here, but I'm also paying hundreds of dollars for books, supplies, and other fees.  They just keep asking for more.  There really should be a better way to do this.  I hate that everything is just another way for someone else to make money.  Who profits from all these students begging their parents for more money?  Who comes out on top while some kids are forced to drop out?

    I'm very lucky in the fact that I've been diligent in my scholarship applications, and found great sources to help me out.  I'm just hoping that I can continue to succeed in that so I can stay here.  I do love it here, but it's a big strain on my parents.  I mean, they have their own bills to catch up on.  Rent, car payments, court fees and bail for my brothers.  Their life requires money, too.  I wish I could help  I'm considering getting a job at the dining hall.  My mom told me not to worry and that school was more important to her.  I just really want to be able to wean myself off of them.  They don't have enough money to keep me up like this.  A minimum wage job would definitely help.  I'll just wait and see how the Belgain Fudge thing works out.

Tonight was a great last night at home.  I couldn't have asked for anything better.  I feel very satisfied and ready to leave.

First, I went to my old choir class and saw my choir teacher.  I got a rough draft of our CD we recorded last year.  I have to say, other than the piano buzzing, it sounds pretty nice.  Not saying much about the singing though.  Most was great, but we did some stuff that was out of our league last year, but some of it worked great.  My songs were mediocre I think, but I still like it a lot.

Then I packed a lot, and went to say goodbye to my Grandma.  She's a loon.

THEN, my old best friend, and first ex-boyfriend, Josh, came to visit me from Seattle.  I was so happy I got to see him before I left.  I missed him a lot.  He's exactly the same.  I'm glad, cause I needed something not different around here.  I know he'll always be the same, and I've found comfort in that.  I know where we stand with each other and that makes me able to not stress or worry around him.  I used to be so on edge around him, hoping to please him.  Now we're just close, and I'm fine with that.

We chatted for a bit, then went and picked Alisa up to go to Starbucks.  I treated everyone with one of my Starbucks cards I got.   Mmm...Vanilla bean frappuccino.  Catching up over some nice Starbucks is a good feeling.  Then we all went to Alisa's and watched "The Devil Wears Prada".  I remembered why Josh and I clicked so well.  We're both so analytical.  We were watching and people kept saying six in random places.  We both started counting in our heads, and blurted at the same time.  666!  SATAN!!!  YAY!  I love him.

Alisa rushed us out, cause if her mom knew she had boys in the house, she would kill her.  Josh dropped me off at home, ran out of his car, and hugged me.  We parted ways, and I waved at him through the glare of the headlights...and he was gone.  I'll miss him.

Diamond Rio-What Might Have Been

Diamond Rio

Sure, most sequels stink, but what movie really needs a sequel?

Oh god. Memoirs of a Geisha 2:  Son of the Geisha.  I would buy it.

So today I finished the last of my scholarship essays.  I have to finish copying and putting my letters of recommendation with it, then mail it out tomorrow and that'll be at least 7,500 dollars in the bank next year.  I hope.  It's a good bet.

I also went and saw my old friend Adam.  He used to run the Young Life here.  He's a really great guy.  A bit preachy, but he gets paid for it, so meh.  We talked about first semester of college stuff, new movies, the iPhone, my Wii, tea, and multiple other things.  I forgot how much of a connection we have.  I missed him.  Not to mention that he's pretty damn cute.  26, married, has a gorgeous wife, and a lovely daughter Luccia (Loo-chia, sooo cute, Lucy for short)  He even asked me about David.  It was kinda nice of him.  He's a real mentor figure.  The pics on the bottom are us at Malibu Young Life Camp.  I just found them on YL's site.  Adam is the guy above my right shoulder in the first one, next to me in the second, and the far left on the last one.

Then I went to the bus stop.  Some guy in a huge hoodie stood there shivering. I made the mistake of saying something about the weather.  He went off on this tangent about trying to hitch-hike over Steven's Pass, then asked for 50 bucks to buy some couple a bus ticket and a night in a hotel.  He told me he shivered cause he was melting the cold around him.  He also said that he could turn $5 dollars into $50 by bartering it.  I was all:  (>_<)  And I was all: "Really?  Tell me more!"  Then he said he was gonna go to Florida and build an A-frame house.  I had a fun 20 minutes talking to him.  I learned a lot about teaching girls to play volleyball and how to think so much that I won't be able to meditate.

Sometimes I feel the crazy people have all the answers...

I thought I'd start this thing out, but I didn't know what to write, so here ya go:

What's something that you're really proud of, which most people in your life don't know about?
Submitted by CosmicBabe.

I was my class's salutatorian.  Not too many people know, but I'm really proud of it.  I did graduate with a small class, but I worked hard.  I always have.  Not for any particular reason, but it makes me happy.  I feel more secure knowing that I can achieve something like that.  I hope I can keep that up in college though...